“It is one thing to lose people you love. It is another to lose yourself.
That is a greater loss.”
― Donna Goddard
When we think about grief and loss we often think of the losses that we had no control over. The death of a loved one. The divorce we may not have wanted. The diagnosis of a serious health condition. The list of unwanted losses can be infinite. These seem like obvious sources of grief, but what about losses associated with change we chose? Do we grieve those asked for losses in the same way?
A quick side note here that while I am speaking to and about mothers I am in no way discounting the experience of fathers. In many ways men experience the same kind of death of the former self, but it is different for women.
One change that many ask for, but can still cause grief is motherhood. For many women we dream of the day we can become mothers. Some women go through years of struggle and medical treatments to finally reach the dream of having a baby. And then as soon as that baby leaves our body we realize that our lives will never be the same and the woman we were before in many ways has died.
No matter how much people tried to warn us of the intense changes that come with motherhood many of us just smile and roll our eyes. Yes it will be hard, but this is what we wanted! Sometimes begged and prayed for. Then our baby comes home and the abstract concept of motherhood comes crashing down upon us with unknown levels of exhaustion, body changes, pain, and an emotional rollercoaster we never imagined. We look in the mirror and don't even recognize the woman staring back at us. She seems like a shell of who she once was.
We have to completely reassess and reintegrate our sense of self. We begin to see the parts of our identity and autonomy that have died in this process. These parts had to die so that new parts could be born. It is a transformation from maiden to mother. The task is to figure out what parts of ourselves should stay in the grave and which should be resurrected.
It is important to be kind to yourself and grieve the life you used to have. It doesn't make you a bad mother! You are allowed to mourn the loss of freedom and full autonomy and still rejoice in being a mother. The two are not mutually exclusive. Take time for you. Take time to give your sadness and grief space to be seen and heard. Take time to figure out who the new you is outside of "mother". You deserve it!
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