“Here I am at these crossroads again,
wondering what will never become of me.
Now and then, I'll take one on the chin.
Because I wear my heart upon my sleeve.”
― Jerod Mankin
It has been a while since I have posted. I had to take a moment to step away from the grief work, to look at the path behind me and the potential path before me. Grief work is hard. It feels like an emotional blood letting every time I dive back in. In order to keep giving so much of myself to this work I have to take time to rest and reflect. So how did I find myself here?
My work with grief is a classic story of the universe pushing me where I was supposed to be. I am currently finishing up my master's degrees in Clinical Counseling and Art Therapy. In order to finish my degree I had to complete my internship hours and a research project. A series of closed doors, unreturned phone calls, and following my intuition led me to choosing a local hospice for my internship. As someone who has two serious chronic illnesses that like to try to kill me, I figured I was made to hold space for death and bring comfort to those it touches. When it came time for me to select a topic for my research project I once again followed my gut and selected grief almost by default.
As I started researching grief I looked at many different areas of thought and perspective. I am counseling minded so that is where my journey started moving quickly into art therapy and spirituality. While the counseling and spiritual models of grief had amazing insight, I discovered that there was a large gap between those models and art therapy. I set out to bridge that gap and create a program that would allow the grieving to walk the path of grief through art and introspection.
In April of this year I presented the first 30 exercises in this program. In another moment of intuition I also applied to present my work at the American Art Therapy Association's national conference. Then I took a month to breathe and consider my path. Did I want to keep going with this difficult work? Could I show people the healing power of working with their grief instead of against it? Was I good enough or brave enough to keep going?
The universe refused to let me walk away. It seemed like everywhere I turned I was meeting strangers that suddenly began opening up about their own grief. A woman in Michael's. A woman in a restaurant. A friend of a friend. A stranger in the park. Every random friendly conversation seemed to come back to grief. Grief unites us all. We are all touched by loss. Loss of loved ones, marriages, fertility, hopes, dreams, and so much more. We grieve what we have lost and what will never be. No matter how hard I tried to push grief work away, it would return, tapping me on the shoulder and whispering "This is what you are meant to do."
And then this week the decision was made once and for all. I found out that I have been accepted to present at the national conference. There's no running away now so it's time to dive back in. I'm excited to share my work with other professionals, but more than that I want to share my work with those who need it most, the grieving. I've decided to take the exercises I have now and expand it. I want to create a guide that everyone can walk either alone, with a group, or with their own counselors. So today I am starting the work on my book. The topics we touch on here will be expanded there. I feel excited and nervous about where this will all take me, but there is no denying this is where I am supposed to be so I embrace it with love, faith, and hope.
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