"Over the years, I learned to smile or laugh when I was supposed to. I kept my true self hidden; I did not need to unleash my pain on the world around me. Instead, I taught myself to ignore it. I did not realize that the pain was eating away at my soul."
-J.D. Stroube
How many of us feel that there is an unspoken timeline for grief? That we are allotted a particular amount of time to grieve and then magically we are just supposed to "get over it" and "move on". And if we don't grieve in a way society tells us to then there is something wrong with us or we are seen as weak. What do we do when we feel the world is telling us to suck it up and move on?
For many people who experience deep grief and trauma we make the choice to put on a fake face and pretend that everything is ok. See my smile and perfect exterior! I am obviously ok now! But what is really hiding behind that brave face? What pain are we experiencing every time we plaster on a fake smile and give everyone the show they expect? How does that hidden pain affect us?
It's important to say first and foremost THERE IS NO RIGHT WAY TO GRIEVE!! Our society has moved to such an extreme of toxic positivity and avoidance of anything uncomfortable that we have moved away from centuries of traditions that tell us we must grieve in order to create a new, whole life. No matter how much we try to avoid grief it is ALWAYS with us. We grieve not only for a physical death, but for any loss that impacts us. We grieve for our health, our youth, our relationships, our defeats, our world as a whole. We need this grief. We need to feel the uncomfortable in order to process and learn the lessons it is trying to teach us and truly live.
When we ignore this inner grief and pain we harm ourselves. We can only pretend to be "fine" for so long before that grief will explode forth in ways we cannot control. It will drag us down to depths deeper than we ever imagined. I once had a supervisor who would say "God gives you a sign about what you should do. This sign starts like a feather, but if you don't listen you get the brick!" Grief is like that. Grief starts by asking for your attention and care, but if you don't listen to its gentle urging it will give you the brick.
The piece above is a reflection of my own hidden grief. Between grieving many losses and working on this project I feel like I am constantly surrounded by the raw pain of grief. I have tried to share this pain with others, but much of my grief would be seen as disenfranchised grief, grief that is not acknowledged. (More on disenfranchised grief in a future post.) The girl I selected looks pretty and perfect, but if you look in her eyes you can see there is pain. No matter how pretty the exterior the eyes don't lie.
So what have I done? I like many others have buried my pain. I have buried it so deeply that I have even convinced myself that it is not there. But it is and it comes out when and how it wants. It comes out in nightmares. It comes out when I am walking through the grocery store or sitting in my yard or when I am trying to create art about anything other than grief. I even find myself talking with my therapist about my grief and coming across as happy and "fine". I didn't realize I was doing it until this last session when right before I met him I was a sobbing mess, but as soon as our session began I was "on". I was bright and cheerful and completely "fine". If you went by my demeanor you would have thought I was great even though the words I said and the experiences I shared were dripping with sorrow, fear, and raw pain. No matter how much I understand about grief from a clinical and spiritual viewpoint I am still human and still engage in the same habits of survival as everyone else.
So how do we address this hidden pain? Obviously we can't walk around wailing every second of the day. I think of my own process as releasing the steam from a pressure cooker. You can't just rip the lid off or it will explode. You have to slowly release it bit by bit. Release small bits that you can work through in that moment. It's also being honest and kind to yourself. To give yourself permission to grieve and to feel ALL of the feeling you are. Look at those feeling and listen to what they are trying to tell you. Grief wants to teach you and grow with you. Grief wants to help you learn and grow, but it is up to you whether you go willingly or by force. Either way you will experience the lessons it has for you.
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