“In the end, we’re all just victims of our perceptions.”
― Charlie Human
Through my work I often hear opposing perspectives on feeling victimized by loss and grief. On one side clients have expressed that they feel victimized by their situations and the depth of their grief. They feel that the universe or God, through some malicious intent, has set out to cause them harm and suffering and the grief is a constant reminder of this suffering.
On the other side I have heard clients defiantly protest that they are not victims. They will not grieve forever and they will get over their pain quickly and easily. The loss will not change them or shape their future.
These interactions have caused me to reflect on our ideas around being the victim and how it impacts our interactions with grief. I think the only rational place to start our examination is with the actual definition of the word victim.
According to the dictionary (2022) there are two definitions of the word victim that could apply to the grieving. The first is "a person who suffers from a destructive or injurious action or agency." The second is "a person who is deceived or cheated, as by his or her own emotions or ignorance, by the dishonesty of others, or by some impersonal agency." Both of these descriptions could easily apply to someone who has experienced a loss whether death or non-death related. Perhaps our loss did come from a crime or because we were tricked. But there are also lots of losses that would not fit this definition. A person we love could pass away from natural causes or an expected illness. Even though this event doesn't meet the definition of victim we may find ourselves feeling victimized by the loss nonetheless.
As a society I think it is important to look at the perception of the word victim in addition to its definition. We often see victims as helpless, powerless, and limited in their ability to function. We talk about victims in hushed tones and marvel when a perceived victim is able to rise up and use their pain in service of others.
When we look at victimhood from this lens we can begin to see how it may impact grief. It we feel victimized by our loss then we may place our anger and resentment on our grief. Grief becomes the assailant. If we fight against the label of victim we again are fighting against the grief we have decided is malicious. In both of these situations we have placed blame on the grief instead of recognizing that grief is a normal response to loss.
Grief does not wish is harm any more than any other emotion. Grief wants to teach. To teach about love and loss and growth and the cycles of life. Grief is an ally, not an enemy, but when we assign the label of victim to the process of grieving we may not see it this way. Once grief becomes your enemy the path of growth is stopped and a war against nature begins. So while the loss may very well be from an event that absolutely made you a victim the grief is not there to harm you, but to help.
It truly is all in how we see it. Our perceptions create our reality. The shadow in the corner of a dark bedroom is either a monster waiting to eat us or a pile of laundry waiting to be put away. When we turn on the light we can see the monster we created in our heads was just the laundry. Grief is the same. It only becomes a monster there to victimize us if that is how we perceive it. All we really need to do to slay the monster is turn on the light.
Reference:
Dictionary (2022). https://www.dictionary.com/browse/victim
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