“Anger is just anger. It isn't good. It isn't bad. It just is. What you do with it is what matters. It's like anything else. You can use it to build or to destroy. You just have to make the choice."
― Jim Butcher
The topic of anger is one in my life that keeps demanding to be heard. As I speak with my friends about grief and situations in the world, I keep hearing them say "I'm just so mad." This is always said in a whispered tone. Relayed as a secret confession. Why do women often feel they have to hide their anger? How does this relate to grief? What happens when we aren't able to acknowledge and express our anger in healthy ways?
We can't start a conversation about anger without looking at what the Western culture tells us about angry women. How many of us have been told when we reacted in anger that we were "hysterical", a "bitch", "unhinged", or any other degrading label? How did this reaction change the way you viewed your anger? Yourself? How did it change your reaction to future situations that would understandably make you angry? Did you express your anger or did you hide it?
As you consider the situations above you can begin to see a pattern. "I got angry over a reasonable situation, that anger was used to degrade me, and I learned it's not ok for me to express my anger again because it will be used against me." For many women we are told that for us to be desirable and find a partner or keep our jobs or just fit in we need to be nice, quiet, and always ready to sacrifice. And sadly for many women we believe this and try to change who we are to fit this ideal.
I speak for myself here. I was trained from an early age that people could treat me however they wanted and I had to just take it. Anger over being abused was not allowed. I've had moments of being angry when I was mistreated at a job and was told that I had to shut up and take it because if I didn't then there was obviously something wrong with me mentally. You hear this enough you begin to question yourself, your reality, and your feelings. The gaslighting serves to keep you in a loop of self-doubt and confusion. It became so ingrained in me that I didn't even realize that I was gaslighting myself until working with a therapist in recent years and it has taken much hard work to stop abusing myself in this way.
I will share an example that just happened to me two days ago. I am currently finishing my master's degrees in Art Therapy and Clinical Counseling. I am at the point in my program where I am wrapping up my graduate research project that I have worked very hard on. I will be a little vague here to protect privacy, but there was an issue. This issue had happened twice before and this time I got MAD!!! I felt that wave of angry power wash over me and I wasn't taking it this time. As I emailed my professor and called friends to discuss it I found myself not believing my own feelings or perception of reality. I said in the emails "I may be overreacting..." and "I may be getting too mad over this..." and "I will shut up." When I talked to my husband and my friends I felt the need to have them verify that I "wasn't crazy". I have been so trained that anger isn't ok that I was actively telling myself I was crazy even when I knew I wasn't. This is how this conditioning can become a pattern of self-harm.
Why are women not allowed to be angry? While there are many theories about this, my opinion is people know on a deep level that feminine anger is a powerful emotion that when channeled can destroy empires and create greatness. I have felt the raw power of unleashed anger and have see the fear in others who witnessed it. I'm not saying I got angry and displayed this anger by breaking things or hurting others. That is NOT an ok display of a valid emotion. I'm talking about that flash that crosses your eyes that conveys "I'm done with this shit!" That deep breath you take before you harness your anger into creating the change you need. The quiet anger that becomes resolve to action is the most terrifying to the weak.
That brings us to anger and grief. It is important to note here that when I discuss grief I am not limiting it to only the grief we experience when someone we love dies. There are many other events that can cause us grief that is just as deep and painful as a death. Infertility, trauma, illness, divorce, and many other types of loss create grief. With this grief it is NORMAL to be angry! I want you to really hear this. YOUR ANGER IS VALID AND OK! We are angry that the situation happened. We are angry over the loss. We are sometimes just plain mad at the world. Sadly no matter how justifiable and understandable our anger is we struggle to acknowledge it and express it. We hide it. We listen when people say things like "You shouldn't be mad because at least you are alive" or "It's ok he didn't deserve you anyway" or "Having kids isn't everything in life". All of these statements serve to tell us "If you are mad about this then you are just ungrateful and there's something wrong with you." So we hide our anger and pretend it's not there. We plaster on a fake smile and do our best to get back to life.
When you have found yourself in a situation like the one described above what happened to your anger? Did it magically disappear? My guess is no. Just like all emotions just because we ignore it doesn't mean it goes away. Anger is an emotion that demands expression and attention. You can stuff it as deeply inside as you want, but it will burst out, usually in unintended and harmful ways. Maybe we turn that anger on those around us and yell at our family or scream at people in traffic. Maybe we turn it on ourselves with abusive self-talk or at times actual self-abuse by cutting or starving ourselves. Anger does not go away just because we ignore it, it just becomes more dangerous and destructive.
What can we do with anger? How do we harness its destructive power? I would argue that the first step is to acknowledge it is there and then to talk to it. What is the anger trying to tell you? Is it asking you to make a change in your life? Is it sadness hiding behind anger? Sit with the anger and listen.
The piece above was created in response to an art therapy prompt I created about anger and grief. My art is often inspired by my dreams and this piece is an example. The topic of anger had been ever present in my mind and then I dreamt of the Egyptian Goddess Sekhmet. The quick story of Sekhmet is that she was sent to Earth to handle unruly humans and became so filled with destructive rage that she began a merciless slaughter. Her anger and thirst for blood were only quelled after she was tricked into being drugged. I think this story isn't her full story, but has been twisted, as many Goddess stories have been twisted, to show what happens when women's anger isn't controlled.
I view Sehkmet as a woman who harnesses her anger to destroy what needs to be destroyed so that new growth can emerge. Yes she is a destroyer, but through that destruction comes needed change. When we want to create change in our lives it is common for the old to be removed to make way for the new. It is needed! The cycle of life is birth, death, rebirth. We must continuously go through these cycles to grow. At times we have control over these deaths, but more often the universe decides it is time. Grief is a natural response to the death that has been taken out of our control. When we feel powerless and lose something we were not ready to let go of we grieve. While we may not be able to always control the losses and deaths in our lives we can make the choice to use the experience for growth and rebirth.
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